DEAR CAROLINE: My husband says our marriage is failing because I don't want to have sex with him. But the reason isn't what he thinks...

Q My hubby is blaming our failing matrimony connected nan truth that we ne'er person sex. However, he fails to spot that I don’t want activity because he is truthful selfish successful bed. I was young and inexperienced erstwhile we joined and I ne'er enjoyed our lovemaking, though I did for illustration being adjacent to my husband. 

As I person sewage older (I’m successful my early 40s) and much confident, I realise my hubby has only ever been willing successful his ain pleasure. He conscionable expects maine to bask activity because it is what he wants. Around others, he is lively and fun, but astatine location he has nary liking successful doing thing together. We are drifting further isolated and lead progressively abstracted lives. He constituent blank refuses counselling.

A Forgive my bluntness but I want you to perceive this clearly: your hubby is simply a bad person and is blaming it connected you. Does that thief put this successful perspective? A bully person (male aliases female) is personification who ‘makes love’ pinch nan accent connected nan emotion portion – ensuring that their partner has arsenic overmuch pleasance arsenic they do themselves, not conscionable physically but emotionally, too. You don’t opportunity erstwhile this started but I would conjecture that, sadly, your matrimony has been bad for a agelong time. 

Difficult arsenic this whitethorn be, I think you mightiness beryllium happier connected your ain aliases (later) successful a different narration as, unfortunately, I deliberation he has already ‘left’ nan marriage. From what you say, it sounds arsenic if he is excessively cowardly to admit it is over. Instead, he is sabotaging nan marriage, possibly subconsciously, truthful that you will extremity it for him. As he refuses to spell to counselling, please spell unsocial truthful you person support for nan adjacent steps.

My condolences is making our lives difficult

Q My hubby is simply a bully and benignant man who has put up pinch a batch from maine complete nan years. I americium connected nan autism spectrum and, while I’m galore affirmative things and mostly a bully mum to our teenage kids, I cognize I tin besides beryllium bad-tempered and cold. I had a difficult puerility arsenic my parents didn’t cognize really to woody pinch me. I’d person meltdowns and my dada shouted while my mum cowered. I was besides severely bullied for being clever, which didn’t spell down good astatine a unsmooth school. Recently I’ve been much difficult than usual. My mother died a twelvemonth agone and since past I’ve been depressed. I tin clasp it together for nan kids, but successful different ways I’ve not been coping. At 49, I had go adjacent again to my mother complete nan past years.

I realised what a difficult clip she had bringing up maine and my 2 siblings. My eldest relative is connected nan spectrum, too. I person been crying a batch erstwhile nan children aren’t astir and americium incapable to bask my hobbies. I cognize I’ve been taking it retired connected my hubby – snapping astatine him aliases not giving him due attention. I realise it’s grief, but he is getting disappointment and I consciousness I’m pushing him away. How tin I extremity acting for illustration this?

A You’ve had galore challenges to look successful life – and condolences for your mother has intelligibly deed you hard. The decease of a genitor is specified a basal loss. As nan cornerstones of our world, they are nan ground for our consciousness of information and your mother’s decease is apt to person brought backmost tons of difficult memories. Losing personification truthful important, but pinch whom you’ve had a troubled relationship, tin besides beryllium difficult because it makes you alert of what you person missed retired on. 

Firstly, it is beautiful that you person recovered compassion for your mother successful knowing that things weren’t easy for her either – and this will thief successful nan agelong run. You request to widen this compassion to yourself. You mightiness beryllium creating your ain unit to do excessively overmuch aliases consciousness that you should person ‘got over’ her decease by now. However, condolences is analyzable and often takes a agelong clip to go little painful. Reach retired to bereavement groups specified arsenic Cruse (cruse.org.uk) aliases Marie Curie (mariecurie.org.uk) for support. Putting connected a brave look for nan children whitethorn person near you tired, truthful return clip to rest, workout and process your grief. 

As for your narration pinch your husband, it is bully that you recognise your ain challenging behaviour; this will make it easier to change. When you enactment badly, apologise and punctual yourself to dainty him for illustration nan champion friend he is. Try to group speech clip for each different astatine nan weekend, making a conscious effort to do things you enjoy. Couples counselling (relate.org.uk) is simply a bully thought to thief you some activity done these difficulties.