Eight signs your friend is a full-blown narcissist - and the seven best ways to manage them, by expert and author DR SARAH DAVIES

No sane personification chooses to befriend a raging narcissist but, pinch their slippery behaviour and manipulative charm, it tin beryllium difficult to place self-obsessed friends.

‘People who are atrocious each of nan clip are easy to spot, and you enactment distant from them,’ says Dr Sarah Davies, a chartered counselling scientist and writer of How To Leave A Narcissist For Good and Raised By Narcissists.

Narcissism exists connected a sliding standard and nan stereotypical ‘extreme narcissist’ is rare. However, spell somewhat little connected nan spectrum – deliberation of your mean mid-range narcissist – and, says Dr Davies, ‘there’s a batch of it about’.

With these much communal narcissist types location are immoderate informing signs, but they’re not glaringly obvious. So it tin return years for nan shocking truth to dawn.

‘It’s only erstwhile you return banal of nan relationship wide that you realise there’s a pattern,’ says Dr Davies. Other friends show genuine remorse if they behave selfishly, and you cognize it’s a one-off. But this 1 regularly betrays a startling, stone-cold deficiency of empathy. The narcissist seldom says sorry, and ne'er intends it. They’ll move it backmost connected you by implying you’re needy.

Here, Dr Davies explains really to spot nan subtle (and blatant) signs of a narcissistic friend – and really to protect yourself...

Everything is astir them

If your friend is an ‘overt’ narcissist, they will typically beryllium charismatic, large and predominate immoderate conversation, casting themselves arsenic nan prima of each story. They are charming and entertaining, truthful you don’t resent it – much. But astatine immoderate constituent you’ll announcement their hurtful wont of making everything each astir them. So possibly you confide that you’ve been recalled for a mammogram and you’re upset. As narcissists are chiefly willing successful themselves, their consequence mightiness be, ‘Oh I person to get 1 of those. Last clip I had 1 I was fine’. There’s nary empathy aliases compassion, nary ‘I’m truthful sorry to perceive that – are you OK?’

They thrive connected secrets and lies

Some narcissists are harder to observe arsenic they aren’t overtly self-obsessed. This type seems to beryllium a awesome listener, but astatine immoderate constituent you realise you’re doing each nan disclosing, each nan talking, and it feels oddly unequal. Getting them to uncover thing individual is exhausting, for illustration interrogating a spy. This narcissist is secretive because they dislike to consciousness vulnerable. They’ll show you a distorted type of nan truth, and often dishonesty outright. This keeps you astatine an affectional distance – and puts you astatine a disadvantage successful position of knowledge. It's a measurement of controlling you. Having secrets aliases a double life makes them consciousness untouchable and superior to others, which is really nan narcissist prefers it.

They will emotion explosive you

Just arsenic you think, ‘That’s it, I’m ne'er seeing them again,’ they make a expansive gesture. Because if a narcissist senses that you’re pulling away, they tin whip ‘being caring’ retired of nan bag. They mightiness bargain you a lavish gift. Or dainty you to a spa day. Using money to power and manipulate is simply a low-effort measurement of keeping you successful their thrall. Flashing nan cash, if they person it, doesn’t require immoderate existent thoughtfulness aliases affectional energy. Their sprees of generosity are a type of emotion bombing.

They are amazingly vain

The narcissist is vain and eats up compliments. When you joke that they look vaguely for illustration Keira Knightley aliases Keanu Reeves, you’re being bully but besides teasing. They, however, will afloat judge it. But you mightiness announcement that they seldom springiness you a compliment. If they do, it’s because they want something.

You get drawn into their drama

Some narcissists ever person a play raging, and tie you successful to perceive aliases go embroiled. You’ll springiness your clip and heartfelt advice, yet nan conflict is ne'er resolved arsenic they for illustration it that way. These narcissists thrive connected being ‘the victim’ – and if you’re wondering why your apical is damp, it’s because you’re their enarthrosis to outcry on. They emotion being nan centre of attention. Also, if their conflict is pinch a communal friend, if you connection an sentiment connected it they will twist your words aliases usage them arsenic ammunition: ‘Sarah agreed pinch me!’ You’ll consciousness mortified – and misrepresented.

They ditch friends who outgrow their use

They will beryllium successful touch erstwhile they want something, but if you request them they shade you. Your relationship is connected their terms, and you do astir of nan giving. Narcissists are envious people, and thin to beryllium suspicious alternatively than happy for you. They tin moreover effort to sabotage your successes – whether that’s a caller domiciled aliases a relationship. Yet galore narcissists are obsessed pinch looks, money, powerfulness and careers, and judge group superficially connected their achievements. So it’s complicated. If they count you arsenic a friend, it’s partially because of your awesome occupation aliases who you know. Their reasoning is, ‘Who tin service me?’ Lose position and you’ll beryllium dropped.

You find yourself making excuses for them

You’re retired together and it’s lovely – until your friend says thing breathtakingly rude aliases arrogant to nan waiter. You’re mortified; they’re oblivious. Narcissists deficiency self-awareness. You’ve been connected nan receiving extremity of their cruelty and felt shamed. They mightiness person casually said, ‘You must beryllium fresh to suffer that weight now?’ Narcissists often deploy snide comments. And they’ll ne'er apologise (and mean it) aliases admit responsibility – they are incapable of reflecting connected really they effect others, and of emotion remorse. It’s ever personification else’s fault. Challenge them and they will get defensive.

You consciousness wretched aft spending clip pinch them

Narcissists dislike to compromise. And they can’t empathise. So, often, you’ll consciousness swept into doing what they want. If they’re a precocious earner, they will disregard your hints that you can’t spend to meet successful a fancy restaurant. In fact, they mightiness moreover hide their card, and you’ll extremity up footing nan eye-watering bill. If you were to object, they’d shame you: ‘It’s not my responsibility you don’t gain enough.’

HOW TO DEAL WITH A NARCISSISTIC FRIEND...

Avoid getting pulled into their dramas

Have immoderate phrases prepared to debar committing to immoderate plans they want to statement you into. For example, ‘I’ll person a deliberation astir that and travel backmost to you.’ Or, if they are regaling you astir why they had to cheat connected their partner, opportunity ‘Sorry to perceive that.’ Give them nothing.

Gain immoderate perspective

Narcissists are awesome manipulators, and that tin beryllium confusing, particularly if you person a benignant heart. So return a measurement backmost and effort to measure nan quality of your relationship arsenic a whole. Ask yourself, 'How do I consciousness aft spending clip pinch them?' Are you buzzing and happy, aliases bad astir yourself and drained?

Understand that you won’t alteration them

Know that it’s not your work to make a narcissist better. And anyway, you can’t hole them. There’s nary cure for narcissism. A narcissist won’t change. But they will support lying, and telling you what they deliberation you want to hear.

Gradually alteration contact

You mightiness want to respond instantly if nan narcissist contacts you, but resist. Stop replying to each message. Delay your responses. Make yourself little available. Avoid one-on-one clip and, if you must meet, do truthful successful a group to ‘dilute’ their power.

Avoid confrontation

If they situation you connected why you are seeing them less, don’t fuss confronting them astir their behaviour. You’ll only make an enemy. Just opportunity you’re busy. And don’t beryllium drawn into conversations you don’t want to have. Say, ‘I don’t consciousness comfortable talking astir this. If you support bringing it up, I’ll person to leave/end nan call.’

Don’t fto them guilt-trip you

It’s normal to consciousness guilt and an responsibility to proceed nan friendship – particularly if nan narcissist has had a difficult life, aliases you’ve known them for ages. Be alert that a narcissist will usage thing astatine their disposal to excuse and warrant their unpleasant aliases abusive behaviour, and will return advantage of your compassion (they spot it arsenic a weakness).

Prioritise your wellbeing

Reflect connected what a healthy, rewarding relationship looks for illustration to you, and really you wish to beryllium treated. Once you’re clear connected that, it’s easier to attraction your power connected relationships that bespeak your values. Remember, you person nary responsibility to walk clip pinch toxic people.

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