Safety Shot (now rebranded as Sure Shot), is the most vile stuff I've ever drank

Welcome backmost to FTW’s Beverage of nan Week series. Here, we mostly chronicle and reappraisal beers, but happily grow that scope to immoderate beverage (or food) that pairs good pinch sports. Yes, even cooky mixed whiskey.

Let’s statesman pinch a disclaimer. Safety Shot, nan portion that supposedly “reduces humor intoxicant content” is now Sure Shot. I person not tried Sure Shot. I ignored nan brand’s sample requests. The logic is simple; Safety Shot, I’m reasonably certain, is Satan’s urine.

I do not cognize really they bottled it. I do not understand if nan portion tin really little your BAC, but I’m skeptical. That declare comes 2 lines supra “citrus splash” connected nan can’s explanation and to propose this tastes thing for illustration citrus would beryllium to propose a dusting of cinnamon atop an unfastened port-a-john makes it a “Christmas ale.”

I americium mostly happy to effort immoderate comes my way. Sure Shot is nan first portion I’ve refused astatine FTW’s Beverage of nan Week because Safety Shot was specified an abject disaster. Coming and going, but we’ll get to that.

Safety changeable successful nan morning: F

I cracked this tin nan greeting aft a fistful of beers. Normally, I’d commencement my time pinch about 40 ounces of water, past immoderate caffeine. Today, I’m starting pinch Safety Shot. I’m not precisely hungover, but there’s room present to consciousness better.

It pours heavy and looks for illustration nan Jaguars’ pee floor plan Color Rush jerseys. It smells, and I cannot accent this enough, horrible. A small for illustration consequence and wholly excessively overmuch for illustration burnt hair. I americium abruptly not looking guardant to this. Is this a Malort-style strategy to usage atrocious sensation to person you something’s medicine?

It’s saccharine and sugary and past gives measurement to a occurrence astatine Fantastic Sams. I tin understand why you’d request to beryllium over-the-top drunk to portion this. It is… rough. There’s a rotten rootlike undercurrent that shows up astatine nan end. It turns everything spoiled and bitter and honestly makes it consciousness for illustration you’re drinking gasoline. Or a unspeakable cologne.

“Is that its color? It looks for illustration your pee aft a agelong nighttime of drinking. You’re dehydrated.” That’s really my woman described it aft smelling nan solid and physically recoiling. I whitethorn beryllium failing to decently picture really unappealing this is.

It does get a small amended arsenic it goes, aliases possibly my lingua is getting calloused. It’s making maine astatine slightest somewhat nauseous, however, which feels for illustration a bad vector to present to a nighttime of drinking.

I’m now drinking done a straw and trying not to respire done my nose. Bringing nan solid to my look makes maine consciousness arsenic though I americium seconds distant from a stroke, leaving maine to inquire a concerned room if anyone other smells pouring pennies. I’ve had much pleasant experiences picking up canine poop successful my backyard.

Good god, I americium 15 minutes into this tin and possibly only halfway done. This is torturous. After 30 minutes it’s gone and, fortunately, I do consciousness a small better. The caffeine isn’t hitting nan measurement I’d hoped — I’m still tired — but nan early greeting encephalon fog that comes pinch drinking a fistful of beers arsenic a 40-year-old dada has lifted. After an hour, I consciousness beautiful normal, moreover arsenic nan sensation lingers connected my lingua and successful my stomach. I genuinely want to rip a changeable of bourbon conscionable to spot if I tin get free of it, which is anathema to Safety Shot’s mission.

Would this little my humor intoxicant content? Not magically, but it’s hideous and takes agelong capable to portion that I conscionable spent nan past half hr not drinking booze, truthful if thing other that’s technically true. Did it springiness maine my time back? No. I could person gotten to this constituent without drinking thing my encephalon screamed astatine me, each measurement of nan way, not to put successful my body.

I’ve moved connected to flavored water, successful portion because I severely request to lavation this from my mouth. Good god, this feels for illustration a reward for a crime I person yet to commit. Possibly a murder, based connected nan severity of this aftertaste. My tummy hurts and my encephalon is still trying to untie nan knot of what I conscionable drank.

I brushed my teeth for nan 2nd clip this morning. Maybe this cuts down connected your ABV and helps pinch a hangover, but you cognize what other does? Running a 5K. And that takes astir arsenic agelong and requires little effort and intelligence toughness. If you gave maine nan choice, correct now, betwixt moving 3 miles and drinking different tin of Safety Shot I would take nan former. Either way, you’re gonna beryllium near tired and emotion for illustration you request a shower.

Update: 90 minutes successful and, uh, let’s conscionable opportunity my assemblage is not reacting good to nan confluence of unspeakable things wrong my stomach. [Expletive]’s sake. I won’t disgust you pinch nan details, but if Safety Shot’s scheme was to support my BAC down by voiding nan contents of my body, well, bravo.

Would I portion it alternatively of a Hamm’s?

This is simply a pass/fail system wherever I comparison immoderate I’m drinking to my baseline inexpensive beer. That’s nan standby from nan onshore of sky-blue waters, Hamm’s. So nan mobility to reply is: connected a emblematic day, would I portion Safety Shot complete a acold tin of Hamm’s?

Friends, I’d portion stagnant puddle h2o complete Safety Shot. Hamm’s is saccharine deliverance compared to this gustatory nightmare.

Do not, and I cannot accent this enough, portion Safety Shot. Or, by association, Sure Shot.