THE SEX DIARIES: My married middle-aged friends envy the hot sex life I have with a gorgeous 20-something. But there's a terrible downside none of them could guess...

Dropping disconnected my youngest girl Emi astatine a seventh day statement astatine a riding stables successful South London, I knew I should subordinate nan different mums waiting loyally connected nan sidelines.

But Eliot had precocious moved into a level of his ain – overmuch amended than nan mini room he'd had successful his erstwhile level stock – and his caller spot wasn't acold from nan stables.

So while nan different mums watched their small girls plod information and round, I made my excuses to nan mother of nan day girl, gave Emi's pony a speedy pat and leapt successful my car, sexy lingerie rustling nether my sensible trousers, and sped complete there.

While I'd spent nan erstwhile nighttime wrapping up Emi's friend's coming and getting an early night, 28-year-old Eliot had gone clubbing pinch his mates, only getting location astatine 4am. I knew this because I'd waited for his messages each night, successful nan benignant of agony that I despised myself for.

My therapist identified this arsenic nan 'second arrow'; arsenic good arsenic having nan achy feeling, I judged myself harshly for being successful truthful overmuch pain. It was, sadly for me, a communal arena successful my narration pinch Eliot; I was crazy astir him, while telling myself disconnected for being truthful teenagerish astatine 49.

That peculiar evening, I had imagined him gathering personification his ain property each night, and by nan clip I publication Emi her bedtime communicative I was convinced he was making retired pinch a caller young crush successful nan smoking area. Eliot and I had first met successful a akin situation, aft all.

But what did I expect? The narration was judge to extremity eventually, I told myself strictly. Better it extremity tonight; I could woody pinch it. I had dealt pinch overmuch worse.

Yet nary matter really severely I said to myself, nan flood of alleviation erstwhile I woke nan adjacent greeting to a bid of texts from Eliot telling maine really overmuch he loved and missed me, showed maine I had a agelong measurement to go.

My bosom hit harder arsenic he answered nan door, wearing his accustomed baggy shorts and achromatic T-shirt.

His look was puffy from nan nighttime before, but astatine his property he could propulsion disconnected immoderate hangover.

I ne'er sewage utilized to that first jolt of seeing him, watching his bum arsenic he climbed nan stairs, admiring nan breadth of his shoulders filling nan constrictive corridor.

In his level I stood awkwardly astatine nan room counter; those first fewer moments were ever awkward. I pretended to contemplate a cup of tea, until he came to buss me, pushing his hips against me.

I pressed my thenar into nan backmost of his neck, while pinch nan different manus I pulled his hips moreover closer. I could consciousness really excited he was already.

'I want you,' he said.

I had conscionable 30 minutes to spare, and we some knew it. It was some heartbreaking – and unbelievably hot.

What followed was arsenic dissimilar joined activity arsenic it was imaginable to be. We went quickly to nan bedroom, him pulling down nan blinds halfway.

I felt dizzy pinch anticipation. I didn't person clip to put myself sexily connected nan bed; he came to maine and we tumbled backwards together.

My sexy lingerie was pulled disconnected pinch hardly a glimpse and successful different 2nd we were naked. When I touched him he groaned.

It was unthinkable that he wanted maine truthful overmuch – arsenic overmuch arsenic I wanted him.

We had activity quickly – but not excessively quickly; him connected top, maine connected top. I tried to inhale him, to retrieve conscionable really his manus grabbed me, nan consciousness of his lips. The urgency made maine orgasm accelerated and hard, but afterwards, arsenic we laic together successful a sweaty heap, nan aforesaid urgency made my bosom pain pinch anguish.

I looked astatine my phone; I had little than 5 minutes earlier I had to beryllium backmost successful nan car. No post-coital cuddles, conscionable a sadistic disentanglement and sad euphony plugged into nan stereo arsenic I drove away.

Could it beryllium imaginable that I was addicted to this pain, this burning heart? I'd publication location that restitution is nan decease of desire – a spot depressing. I had nan desire portion alright, but dissimilar nan different mothers, I didn't person nan restitution of a partner to thief Emi down disconnected her pony, aliases to thief maine navigator meal for nan kids. No 1 to aftermath up pinch nan adjacent day. That was nan bargain I seemed to person made.

My joined friends envied my activity life, but sometimes I envied their cosy Saturday nights watching TV, not checking their telephone obsessively, because their husbands were correct there.

• Annabel Bond is simply a pseudonym. Names person been changed